To Love This Child
by Nadja Lee
Summary: Scott’s feelings towards his first born son from his birth till the end.


To Love This Child 

By Nadja Lee 

English is not my native language. Please forgive me my mistakes.  
Disclaimer: "X-men" and all the characters here belong to Marvel , 20 Century Fox and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money of it.  
Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of the author.  
Timeline: Set from Cable's birth and to the end.  
Universe: Set in the comic universe.   
Pairing: Scott/Jean  
Summary: Scott's feelings towards his first born son through the years….  
Archiving: Want, ASK, take, have.  
Feedback: Yes, please. It would mean so much to me.  
Rating: PG  
Dedicated to: Helene, Julia, Jemi, April and Jaguarita. Thanks for your kindness and friendship.  
Thanks to Christina for the Beta and the story idea.  
This fic is for Christina . It is my small way for saying thanks for all her hard work.   
*mmmm * is telepathically thoughts spoken in the mind. " mmmmm " is spoken out loud.

  
Part 1:  
He had gotten a son. He was a father. As he looked down at the small child in his arms, his heart filled with love and wonder. This was his son. This was a life he and his wife had made. Yet he hadn't been there for him or for Madelyne. Where had he been when she had given birth? Out saving the world. Yet again. She had been alone. He of all people knew the pain of loneliness. He should have been here. Yet he couldn't be two places at once and his loyalties were diverted. He wanted to be there for Madelyne and Nathan. He wanted his son to have a father. The best father. The family he had never had. Yet he owed Xavier so much and he couldn't preach about a dream if he didn't do something himself for it. If he wasn't ready to sacrifice something, wasn't ready to fight for it. 

Now, as he looked down into his son's blue eyes he knew that the one thing; the dream he should have fought for should have been Nathan's. It should have been him who came first. He wanted Nathan to have a good life where he wasn't feared for the powers he would have. He wanted him to lead a life of peace and happiness. But to give his son all those things fighting was necessary. He had been forced to choose and he had left with the X-men. Well, now he didn't have to choose anymore. Now, he only had Nathan and Madelyne. He had the family he had always wanted within his grip. He should be happy. A part of him was happy, more happy than he had ever been before in his life. But another part of him…said that this wasn't right. He had always believed that inaction equals murder. So what if he was safe in his small piece of Paradise if the rest of the world suffered? As he saw his infant son smile at him, his heart made the decision over his head. Hadn't he fought enough? Hadn't he paid enough? Let someone else fight for a while. For now, he only wanted to be Scott Summers. To be the father of a child. To be the father of Nathan Christopher Charles Summers.

  
Part 2:   
Jean was back. How could that be? He had seen her die. He had felt her die. If there had been any chance at all, even the tinniest one, he'll have searched for her till the end of the world if needs be. He'll never have given up if not he had seen her die with his own eyes. But now…she was back. And not only was she back but he had only needed laying eyes on her once to know that the wild beating of his heart meant that he wasn't over her. He still loved her. He knew he shouldn't. He was a married man. If he hadn't loved Madelyne he would never had married her but now he wondered why exactly he had married her. He wasn't one to make rash, illogical decisions but his courtship with Madelyne had without a doubt been the shortest ever. As he was now forced to weight his love for Jean against his love for Madelyne he found that she paled like a copy in comparison with the shining light which he held in his heart for Jean. He didn't want to hurt Madelyne. He didn't want to hurt Jean. He didn't want to hurt anyone. But he couldn't have it all. He was forced to choose. When it came down to it only one thing prevented him from going to Jean's side instantly. Only one person prevented him from being near her to make sure she was real. He'll not lose her again as he had before but he didn't want to lose what he had either. He walked to his and Madelyne's bedroom and picked up Nathan from his cradle and gently rocked him in his arms. The small boy smiled toothlessly up at him, his eyes and face so full of trust and love that Scott felt a tear run down his cheek. Only Nathan prevented him from leaving right now. 

Only Nathan and the love which he bore for the small boy made him consider if trying to keep his marriage together and losing Jean wasn't worth it if Nathan could then get a happy childhood. If first he left what kind of life did he offer his son? If he left what kind of father and husband was he? Yet if he stayed what kind of man was he? Then he'll betray the love he held for Jean and he'll do the thing he always hated others for; he'll do nothing. He'll let others fight for his dream. He'll let others fall in his place. Even as his heart was being torn in two he knew the answer. He had to leave. That was the kind of man he was. His whole life had been one long battle but no combat decision had ever been as hard as the action he was forced to do now as he kissed the boy on the cheek, a tear falling from his eyes as he placed the precious small child in his cradle. He kneeled beside it and took hold of his small hand as he sung "Wish Upon A Star" for him. His voice broke down several places and tears blinded his vision as he ended the song and he saw that Nathan had fallen asleep. He stood and with one last look at the small boy in the cradle, he forced himself to walk away, not looking back at what he was leaving behind for if he did he'll never be able to go.

  
Part 3:   
All the dreams and all the hopes he had had for Nathan. All what he wanted to do with him. All gone. Slowly he walked towards Rachel but stopped before he reached her. He looked at the small child in his arms. It was all his fault. Had Nathan been fathered by any other, even his brother, this would never had happened. He had failed him in the worst possible way as he had failed his mother. He should have searched more for Madelyne. He should have tried to work things out with her. A never dying love for one woman did not give him the right to leave another behind. He hadn't wanted to hurt her. He hadn't wanted to hurt Nathan. But he had. He had hurt them both and now he was losing them both. First Madelyne and now even Nathan. The child was sick. He had to give him up. He had to. His mind knew it but his heart wasn't listening. What kind of father abandoned his child? He had lived without his own father, without his family all through his childhood. He did not wish that for Nathan. He had wanted him to have a happy life. To have a normal upbringing with a father and a mother who loved him. Now, his mother was dead and his father was getting ready to send him off into the unknown. His mind knew this to be necessary. It was the only way. But his heart…wouldn't let go. His arms closed around the small boy even as Rachel reached for him. He wouldn't give him up. He couldn't. All the things he never had had the time to show him. 

The park, the ducks, the toy store or even the baker's shop. Normal things. Normal wishes in a crazy age. He had spent so little time with him. He had been too busy fighting. Fighting, always fighting. Not even enough time to say "I love you". Had he only known their time would be so short he'll have spent every living moment with him. Had he only known…before he had become a father nothing had been more important than the Dream, save Jean. For Jean he would sacrifice a thousand dreams and break a million vows. But from the day when he had first held Nathan in his arms he had known that his life was more important that a million dreams. This was one person, one life he'll choose to save over millions. When he had left, he had left in the belief that it was for the best. That he fought for a better future for Nathan. Fought so Nathan didn't have to. Now, as he stood by the end of the road he wasn't sure if his decision had been right. So what if the rest of the world went to Hell, literally? If Nathan and Jean could be safe….if Nathan could live…..Scott's eyes found and held Nathan's small blue ones. Even now he succeeded in giving his father a small smile so full of trust and love. It tore his heart in two to see that trust, knowing he'll betray it in seconds. With tears in his eyes Scott did what he had to. He held Nathan out to Rachel. He was letting him go. Letting him be taken away. He was losing him. He was losing him. He was losing his son. He was losing his heart.

  
Part 4:   
This was too much to ask. Too much to demand of a child as young as Nathan. Why did he have to save the world? Why him? Let someone else do it. Why? Slym pressed the boy to him as he sat in his and Redd's small home. Was this what he had sent Nathan to? A world covered in pain and blood? Was this what he had given him up for? Was this the new chance he had gotten? Slym stroked the boy's hair as Nathan laid his head on his chest. Slym's heart was breaking. Such trust, even now. If he knew he was the one who had abandoned him would he still trust him? Would he still answer his "I love you" with a "Me too"? Did he even deserve his love? Hadn't he lost that right long ago?   
He didn't know what kind of pains and aguish lay ahead for Nathan but he knew the pain would be great and the losses severe. His life would be one long battle without any hope or love. He didn't deserve that. No one did but his little boy, his Nathan, didn't deserve this. Why him? Why? Why couldn't he just be a normal child with normal problems? Why did the world's fate have to his fate? He wished he could take all that pain which Nathan would surely one day face, into himself. He wished he could protect him. He wished he could take him within his love and never let him go. He wished he never had be afraid or sad. He wished……he wished he could give him the world, neatly packed in glimmering paper and tell him;   
" Here son. This is for you. You can play now. You can relax now. There is nothing to fear."   
He wished he could do that. He wished he could take away every tear which had and would ever fall from his blue eyes and make them into pearls of silver. He wished…..oh, he wished so many things for him. He wished he'll never be alone. He wished he'll never be afraid. He wished…..he wished he was allowed to be a child. He wished he had time to play. He wished that for one moment in time he didn't have to think about matters bigger than himself. 

Slym looked at the boy in his arms. He had fallen asleep, feeling safe within his arms and Slym bent down and planted a soft kiss on the top of the boy's head. This peace…This safety...it was all an illusion but a illusion he wished he could allow Nathan to have forever. An illusion that he wished never had to be broken by tears, pain and blood. The boy had already seen far too much, felt far too many deaths and pains. He deserved some peace, he deserved some happiness. He deserved love. Slym knew that he could never give him all what he wished for him. That was beyond him. If he could have, he'll gladly haven traded his soul if it would give Nathan a long and happy life without any fears. But even though Slym was offering, no one was buying. It was a deal he couldn't make. He could give Nathan only one thing; his undying love. It wasn't much, it could never save him or keep him safe yet it was all he had to give. It was the only gift he could put at his son's feet, the child called The Chosen, it was but an emotion but it was one as strong as stone. Maybe, one day, Nathan would be able to receive that gift of love even when he knew the truth….and forgive him.

Part 5:   
There wasn't much time. It was now or never. Scott didn't stop to think about what he was doing, what he was leaving behind. He only thought about one thing; his son was in danger. No one would harm any of his children. Not as long as he still breathed. He ran and pushed Nate out of the way to safety but even when his joy at his son's safety floated through him like sweet spring water, he felt his mind being torn apart. He was dying and he knew it. 

His first thought went to Jean. His wonderful Jean. His love and his light. Life hadn't been kind to them but he had gotten her back so anything else was forgotten. Through darkness and pain, their love had always shined through. He didn't know if she could hear him but his mind formed the words;   
*Jean, words are poor but it is all I've got. I love you. First with you did I find the true meaning of these three words. Without your love and guidance I don't know what I would have done. You are everything to me and I love you as much today as the first day I saw you. Jean, you are my own personal dream. You're my own personal Angel* 

His red gaze searched and found Nathan. His son, his first born. The source for all his pride and joy, the source for all his pain and grief. All the dreams and hopes he had had when he had been born had never come to pass. Nathan had lived a full life, now older than his own father. He was scarred by battle and loss. This was the life Scott had wished to spare him from. This was the life Scott had hoped he never had to live. He reached out and let his tortured mind form the words; 

* Nathan, time always seem to be against us. I can never say with words what my heart feels but I'll try. You mean more to me than anything else. I wanted you to be safe. I wanted you to be happy. I never wished this life for you. I wished you a life filled with joy and laughter, not sadness and tears. My greatest regret in life is not spending more time with you. Is that I had to give you up. That I missed all those years. That even your childhood was marked by darkness. My son, know that I couldn't be prouder of anyone than I am of you. You survived. Through it all you pulled though. I regret that I wasn't there to help you, to guide you, to wipe away your tears and take you in my arms. My son, my pride, my love for you will live on even after I'm gone. Know that now; I loved you and always will.*

He saw Nathan reach for him and knew he had been heard and the tears on Jean cheeks told him she had too. His thoughts found his other children. Rachel was an image of her mother. Pure, kind and always there to lean a helping hand. As with Jean, his love for her had always been an easy one. Now, Nate Grey on the other hand….the boy was wild, uncontrolled and hot-tempered. In many ways he reminded him of his brother. And as with his brother his love for him had been natural but difficult. However, when in trouble as now, he would always be there for him. Nate wasn't the most trusting person and with his life, his upbringing if one could call it that, Scott understood. Scott had always told of his love for his loved ones most clearly through actions and if this, his last action for his son, Nate, didn't speak of love than no words he might have uttered would speak of that love more clearly. He wouldn't say that he had a favourite of all his children but as Nathan had been the only one of them he had ever held in his arms, his bond, his love for his first born son shone brighter than for the others. He couldn't help it for his mind and heart had pictures of a baby smiling up at him, of a small boy falling asleep in his arms and then of a man, grim and scarred from a life long war. It was as close to a normal fatherhood as he would ever come. He thought of his brother. His lost kid brother. His heart didn't hold fear or sorrow for him. He knew that Alex would be back, he was just sad that he wouldn't be there to see it. 

He would have wished to tell Alex how much he loved him and how much he respected him. He did not know from where Alex had gotten the opinion that he always lived in his shadow. For Scott, Alex had in many ways been someone to look up to. He was free, he was a man of deep loves and great emotions which he wasn't afraid to show. He wished he could tell him that. His thoughts wandered to the professor and his friends. He owed Xavier so much. He was like the father he had never had and his love for him had never been in question. Among the other X-men Ororo shined through as special. She was a friend, a confident and family…in more ways than one. He loved her and if Jean hadn't been then Ororo would surely had spoken to his heart in a deeper way than she did now. She was in herself a light, a symbol of a dream. She was the Goddess she had been thought to be. She was the Goddess of The Dream.

As the pain became intense and his world blackened out Scott held unto these feelings of love as all he knew disappeared, as his light was corrupted and strangled by darkness. The darkness was almost complete now as Scott sent his last thoughts, knowing that he'll never know if the others heard them;  
* My friends, my family. For your years of friendship, years of love, I can never thank you enough. Jean, thank you for your love. You own a piece of my heart and always will. Nathan, my son and pride. I pray that your life will be easier with years yet I fear it will not. Nate, I pray that you never lose your childish edge. Ororo, please keep your compassion with you in your heart as you always have. You're a Goddess among us for you can show us the light. Xavier….Charles, you're the Dream but you're more than that. You are the truest father I have and I thank you for that. My friends, thanks for your kindness and support through the years. For those who isn't here, who I lost, I love you all and always will. Rachel and Alex, my daughter and brother, I love you both. Always have and always will. Maybe one day, someone will be able to tell you that.*

There weren't enough time to say all what was in his heart, all what he felt so he tried to send his feelings of love towards his family and friends as his life slowly ended. When darkness claimed him he prayed that where ever he was heading, he'll find peace. 


End file.
